Stories Instead of Stuff

It's the stories behind the stuff
we keep that matter most.

So claims Jill Gleeson in a recent Woman’s Day article entitled How I got Rid of My Parents’ Junk Without Throwing Out a Lifetime of Memories. I agree, with a twist she did not include.

Jill wrote a poignant article that speaks to most of us beyond a certain age, and perhaps to our children who will have to deal with our collected remains, sooner or later. She describes a sorting process she went through with her father to separated junk from treasure.

Still at the end of the article, it sounded like she had half a warehouse of old stuff still sitting around, waiting for her to find it a new home at some point.

Perhaps she missed a crucial point here. She seems to be talking about stories in her head, and she has made no provision for those stories to live on. Also, her future housing costs will be higher as she seeks space for tangible memories. Here’s a solution that would prevent her from needing a warehouse in the short term and allow those stories to live on to inform future generations:

Take pictures and write stories!

This is also a way to let family members share treasures without having physical custody. The stereo slide you see below is one example from my family.

It is one of a set of a dozen. This particular slide shows my father’s parents on a hill in western Oklahoma shortly after their marriage. Only one set of originals exists, but about ten years ago I scanned those originals, making digital copies that could be printed if anyone cared. My brother has the originals and lots of us have copies.

My siblings and I know the story of these slides. Our children might, but it’s less likely they’ll mean anything to later generations. That’s where Story comes in. In a  nutshell, that story begins with my grandfather’s early fascination with photography, both stereo and standard. The story threads its way down generations to several of  my grandchildren who are avid photographers today.

I’m now prompted to wrap those slides in a PDF story package about the history of photography in Ben Melton’s family.

This photography story spans generations. A picture of my mother’s favorite broach would be more specific. I might include details of how she wore it to church and how lovely it looked on her green crepe wool dress, and how thrilled I was when she let me wear it on a special date.

If you click the Stories tab on the menu bar above and select Grabbing Granny's Dishes, you can read a story with a picture of my grandmother’s ivy dishes that now live in my cabinet and the rest of the family can share via pictures. The story tells how I got them too, which makes me smile each time I lift them off the shelf and remember that event.

It’s also worth including pictures of ordinary objects like black Bakelite dial telephones or saddle oxfords. How about various cars your family drove? Your old bike? You can find these photos online to create a digital family museum archive.

Clean out your closets and attic, basement, or garage right now.  Celebrate your memories in photos and stories. Clog hard drives rather than closets and keep the memories alive as times change!

Triumph at the End of a Rocky Road

The note above shows one of a rapidly growing list that Carol B has received from family members after privately publishing a volume of family history laced together with relevant aspects of her personal story. She swells with happiness at each one. These notes are more than usually rewarding. The road to this outcome has been rocky. Her stories sizzle with intrigue. That eventually presented a problem.

Carol, her parents, and a family friend (I omit her full name at her request to protect her family’s privacy), spent decades gathering stories and documents from county records and other sources, documenting purchase and sale of property, births, deaths and marriages, police and jail records, newspaper articles and pictures. Piles and piles of pictures. She took careful notes as relatives chewed the fat at family events.  She even sought out help from her local historical society to gather added information.

Eventually she wove memories and facts into stories. Lifestory writing group members pointed out unclear areas, missing material and more. Her strong writing grew polished in both content and structure. Then forces of darkness emerged.

Her family’s history includes mayhem, madness and murder. It’s all a matter of public record, and mostly forgotten, though ripples remain in family attitudes and traits. Still, she was loathe to publish it all without warning the family. She told everyone whose names appeared in the book what she was up to and asked their permission to share stories relevant to their immediate family members. With the exception of one person within her family, she was offered nothing but support and encouragement.  She did not have anyone else read her book, as she was not willing to write a book by committee.  As it turned out, the faith that family members had in her was almost unanimous. Others showed their trust by giving full permission to use their names and their particular family stories.

However, there was one family member who, without even reading the book, objected on principle. “There is no reason to dig all that stuff up again.”  Said Person would not discuss it with Carol and did not respond to numerous requests to be named in the book, then cut off  direct communication.

Carol’s inner critic went nuts. What if I’m sued?  Maybe I’m too critical. Maybe my book is too negative.  Even if I do expose the people in my book to public scrutiny, these are the stories of my family. What should I do?

Her voice had the sound of defeat as she told me, “That person has gobs of money and can afford to sue me on a whim. Maybe that will happen. Maybe I should just drop it. Maybe I should just share the Word file with anyone who wants to read it.”

“You’ve told dozens of people you’re doing this, and they all want to see it finished. What about them? Will you be letting them down? You’ve set aside funds to see it through. How can we work around this?”

Note to readers: don’t try to handle this alone. Get plenty of perspectives. 

“Do you think I’ve been too critical?  Is my book too negative?”

“NO! But I’m not always the best judge of emotional tone. Let’s get one more opinion.” I recommended another writer I know who excels in this area. Her response was supportive. Carol regained her grip.

She decided she would proceed with the project with these caveats:

• She omitted all references to Said Person beyond a couple of picture captions where she cites the relationship without a name.  She decides to include a vintage photo of Said Person, but includes only a first initial and maiden last name.  To do otherwise would have made her uncomfortable, since she did not want to purposefully leave anyone out of the family history.  She also decided to mail Said Person a copy of the family history book. To date, there has been no acknowledgement of receipt though communication on other subjects has been resumed. 

• In the Acknowledgments she states: “I have remained faithful to the stories that were passed down through the family and relied on my own memories and those of other family members for additional tales. Throughout the process, I maintained my belief and intention to cause no harm.”

• The back cover includes a disclaimer of sorts: “… For decades she has collected stories from relatives and public records. She compiles those stories with personal reflections to tell the family’s story with truth and honesty to the best of her understanding.” 

She also firmed up her decision to keep publication as private as possible.

This last step required thinking out of the box. Carol is facing serious health problems and wants to ensure that her extended family will be able to independently order additional copies for years to come.

In line with her decision to keep the book private, she vowed to avoid all promotion and publicity. She is eager, however, for others to know of her experience, even though they won’t be reading the book. Buoyed by the outpouring of gratitude from family members, such as the note above, she has asked me to share that story, hoping to inspire others who battled doubts about sensitive disclosure to persist and find their own way around obstacles.

I’m happy to oblige, emphasizing to readers that publishing privately with limited distribution can be a strong and rewarding option for those who shy away from telling all to the world at large.

As the fan letter notes, Carol is hard at work on a second volume, a personal memoir. Will this one also be kept under wraps? Who knows? If she opts for open publication, you’ll be among the first to know.

Points to Ponder: What tense material might slow down your writing project? What creative workarounds can you come up with? Who can you turn to for support and fresh ideas?

Points to Ponder: What tense material might slow down your writing project? What creative workarounds can you come up with? Who can you turn to for support and fresh ideas?

Interview with Heather Summerhayes Cariou

Heather Summerhayes Cariou's book, Sixtyfive Roses: A Sister's Memoir, is not new to this blog. I published a review of in on Amazon back in June introduced here by a post on June 2, and I've referred to it a couple of times since.

There is much to appreciate in this book, and two of them are especially relevant to the classes I teach on writing sparkling description and dynamic dialogue. Heather is a master of both. Today Heather has agreed to be my guest for the second in a series of mini-interviews especially for readers of The Heart and Craft of Life Writing. 

In this interview, Heather explains how she was able to craft compelling descriptions of places from times long past and dialogue about events that happened thirty or forty years ago. As a bonus for listeners, she gives several tips that will help anyone with writing dialogue, description, or really anything.

The interview lasts for 14 minutes. You can listen on the player below, or click the link to download it for listening on your mp3 player. 

Download file

Write now: listen to the interview and try Heather's tip on using poetry to loosen up your creative right brain.

Writing Through the Layers

Have you ever wondered what it takes to write a memoir that will not only be accepted by an agent and publisher, but has a chance of making the best-seller list, with all that’s attached to that?

Heather Summerhayes Carriou, the author of Sixtyfive Roses: A Sister’s Memoir, sheds light on that question in the guest blog she wrote for the Women’s Memoirs website. (Hey fellows, don’t let the name deter you. This post will be equally valuable to you.)

In the post she explains that over the course of twenty years, she wrote several drafts of the story. She combined bits and pieces and into larger stories. She wrote at home, standing in line, on the bus, in the air, everywhere. For months at a time, she didn’t write at all.
Heather had no thought of publishing the story until she was working on her final draft. Through all the preliminary drafts she wrote for herself, to heal her anger and broken heart, to understand and make sense of the life she shared with her sister Pam, who survived over twenty years after being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, or “sixtyfive roses” as it sounded to her preschool ears. Reading the account in Heather's blog post of the process of writing all those drafts to get to her final, polished purpose and product, I’m reminded of a set of Russian Matryoshka nesting dolls, with a twist. The smallest doll in the center of this set is neither small (the book fills 436 pages) nor painted. It’s solid gold. To get to the golden doll, Heather had to write through all those layers of painted wooden ones, without even knowing the golden one might be there.

I read Sixtyfive Roses once for the story, and I keep going back to study the structure, how she used detail to move the story along, and other elements that make it so successful at achieving consistent five-star ratings in reviews. I’ve posted my own review on Amazon with more detail, and hope it helps you decide to read the book for your own growth as a writer and a person.

Heather’s post goes beyond the book to address the writing process, and I encourage you to read it. While you’re at the Women’s Memoirs site, you may notice that the blog post was a preview for one of the monthly Author Interviews Matilda Butler and Kendra Bonet conduct via live conference calls. They record these calls so people who are unable to join the call can listen later online. I encourage you to take the time to listen to their interview with Heather. It will be an hour well-spent.

Matilda and Kendra conduct Author Interviews each month, and they are always worth a listen, so I encourage you to join their mailing list and tune in. If you can’t join the call live, they e-mail the link when the call is posted on the website.

Write now: try the writing prompt Heather shared at the end of her post to help as you write through the layers of your experience.

Sisterhood Is Powerful

Those who've seen us
know that not a thing could come between us.
Many men have tried to split us up, but no one can.
Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister,
and Lord help the sister who comes between me and my man.

I remember hearing this song on the radio as a very young girl, and again in junior high, sung in a school talent show by two cheerleaders who were best friends, as close as sisters. These lyrics, excerpted from a song originally written by Irving Berlin, have been adapted and recorded by a long line of singers, and they express the ideal of sisterhood: women bonded by birth, presenting a united front against all odds — yet sometimes turning against each other.

Memoirs about the mother-daughter relationship would fill several shelves, but none that I’m aware of focus on the sisterly one. My thoughts have ranged in that direction the last few days, and I’m surprised that this niche seems to have been overlooked.

Thinking back through stories told by friends through the years about their sisters, I recall countless accounts of love and support, but I also recall tales of sisters left in the cold, sisters who sat in the shadow of a dominant sibling, women who bear a variety of emotional scars inflicted on purpose or otherwise by their sisters. This is the dark side of sisterhood.

The concept of sisterhood ranges beyond biological bounds. Convents have been full of “sisters” since the early years of Christianity. Sorority members are considered to be sisters. Especially in the 1960s and 70s, as the feminist movement gained momentum, sisterhood was a rallying theme. Sisterhood Is Powerful, the “bible” of the movement, was carried at all times by enlightened coeds on many campuses across the USA. Here again, stories of love and light predominate, but dark ones are not unknown as power is wielded for various forms of control. In addition to its inner dynamics, this sort of sisterhood uses circles of inclusion to exclude others, creating elaborate forms of tension and intrigue.

Lastly I thought of another form of sisterhood — soul sisters, best friends who may be closer than those born into the same family. These are the friends who are always there for us, who listen to our hopes and dreams as well as our fears and pains, with the tenderest of encouragement and care. They are balm for our souls. These friends are the richest sort of blessing one could hope for.

Sisterhood is powerful in so many ways, and a juicy topic for life writers of all sorts. Whatever the nature of your relationships with sisters of various sorts, they are sure to generate plenty of tales and insights, and writing your truth about some of the darker elements may bring unexpected closure and healing.

Write now: a story full of tension about the darker side of sisterhood as you have experienced it, a time when you were excluded, jeered at, bullied, betrayed, or otherwise tormented by a birth sister or members of a collective sisterhood. Follow this with a tribute to a beloved sister, whether bonded by birth or acquired later in life. Include details of what happened and how you felt. You may choose to share your tribute story with the person you write about. Make your own decision about sharing the darker one. Men, you can write about brothers, or anyone could expand this to siblings and friends in general